SUM: Desperate to avoid an arranged marriage, Draco convinces Harry to pretend to be his boyfriend. What follows is an epic romantic comedy involving scheming, snogging, silliness, shagging, snarky boys, superstars, singing, shagging, snuggling, secrets, sex gods, shagging, and a bunny named Draco Lucius Malfoy the Third. HD SLASH (and how!).
Ron and Hermione were among those looking the most horrified. Hermione opened her mouth to speak, and then Harry caught her eye. Almost imperceptively, he glanced over at Lucius Malfoy and then winked. Hermione took a good look at the raw fury on Lucius Malfoy's face - and grinned herself. She may not have understood exactly why Harry was pretending to be Malfoy's boyfriend, but she clearly understood that it was pissing Malfoy senior off. And that was something she was more than happy to do.(女神聪明！）
"Oh, Harry, I knew you had a secret lover! All that sneaking around, skiving off class, as if Ron and I wouldn't notice." And here she kicked Ron under the table, trying to will him to go along with it. "Especially all those times you returned to the common room covered with bites and scratches, telling us you had fallen off your broom - Draco must be positively feisty when you're alone together!"
Draco immediately blushed bright red, and a snicker ran through the Gryffindor table. Lucius was red too - from pure fury. Hermione snickered to herself. Take that, you arrogant bastard, she thought. Hermione had her own vendetta against the older Malfoy.
Ron was looking very, very confused. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times and looked at Hermione. She nodded just a little, and that was enough for Ron. He didn't know what the hell was going on, but he knew Hermione was a lot smarter and more perceptive that he was, and he trusted his girlfriend explicitly. If she was going along with this scam, then he would too.
And with pleasure. Ron Weasley's feelings toward the two Malfoys could not exactly be classified as "warm and fuzzy."
"Why, yes, Hermione, you're right, it does all make sense now. Harry and Malfoy, how could I have missed it? Harry, you dog, when I heard all those noises coming from your bed you told me it was a nightmare! I knew I heard someone screaming your name!"
At this, the Gryffindors burst out laughing, along with a good chunk of the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs. Draco and Lucius both turned, if possible, a deeper shade of red. Harry, of course, was thrilled. I love my friends, he thought to himself.
"Thanks Ron, Hermione, you guys are the best! I knew I could count on you to accept our relationship!"
插入科普：原来在巫师界。。可以把对方**到傻。。（当两人有特别amazing，fantastic的sex时才会出现！）第一次是Draco被**傻了（别慌!只有几个小时），在礼堂向Harry表白，大唱麦当娜的like a virgin（演唱会很精彩！），给自己变出了一只超级可爱的小兔兔（“Draco Lucius the third”）作宠物，允许Harry叫自己Cute和Sweetie~~Draco的这一面真是萌化了啊！！！
Voldemort looked sulky. "I can't believe Potter shagged someone silly. Stupid Potter. Everyone thinks he's so great."
"You know, my son shagged him silly too," Lucius said crossly.
Voldemort waved it off. "Oh, yes, yes, I know, but it's Potter I'm competing with here. I can't stand the fact that he's beaten me in something." He looked extremely put out. Then, his eyes got a gleam in them. "I'm sure I could shag someone silly if I tried." He gave Lucius a lecherous look. "What do you say, Malfoy? I've always had a thing for blondes."
Lucius gulped. "Um, as flattered as I am, your Lordship, I'm a married man."
"Oh yeah. Pity." Voldemort looked vaguely disappointed. "Well, there's always Wormtail."啊啊啊高能太多了简直想全部放上来，想不到黑魔王也这么可爱~(●'◡'●)后面还有更多黑魔王令人惊讶的一面哦~））
"Damn it, Hermione, can't you go any faster?"
"Harry, really. I'm doing my best. This is a very tricky problem. It's very rare and hard to find information on."
"This is beyond horrible. Draco, will you please reconsider?"
"For the one millioneth time, Potter, no."
"Oh, come on! This just isn't right."
"Harry, I know this sucks, but I can't risk going all crazy again, okay? My father will kill me and then he'll kill you."
Sulking. "I'm not scared of your father."
"Just keep researching, Harry. We're not spending all our free time here in the library with Granger for nothing."
A few moments of silence as everyone flips through books.
"Look, Draco, what if I promise that this time you can be on top?"
"Harry, even once we have a counter-spell you better believe I'm going to be on top next time. And my answer is still no."
"Okay, look, Draco, I have an idea. What if I just lay there, hmmm? I won't even try to touch you. What do you think?"
"Just lay there? Gee, Harry, is that supposed to tempt me?"
"You could coat me in whipped cream and chocolate and then slowly lick every last trace off my body."
A moment of silence.
"Tempting. But no."
A sigh. Then...
"Oooh, okay, I've got a better idea. I'll teach you the handcuff spell. You can handcuff me to your bed and have your wicked way with me."
"Harry! I thought you said Malfoy was making that stuff up to freak me out!"
"Yeah, well...I lied. Anyway, Hermione, aren't you supposed to be reading up on counter-spells for this little problem we have?"
"You know, Harry, things might be going a little faster if you were helping me research instead of trying to convince loverboy here to sleep with you before we have a cure."
"Hermione, you're not helping my cause here. You're supposed to say, 'oh Malfoy, why don't you run along and shag Harry because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here.'"
"But I'm not."
"Work with me here, Hermione."
"Harry, I can't believe you want Granger here to lie to me just so I'll sleep with you again!"
"Draco, it has been four days. FOUR days. I'm going crazy here."
"Yes, well, I don't like it either, but that is still no excuse for you to lie to me."
"Oh, are you saying I've been a bad boy?"
"You're right. I've been a very bad boy. Why don't you punish me, Draco?"
"Maybe I - oh, I see where you're going with this. Very sneaky, Harry. But it's not going to work."
"Damn. Note to self: work on being less transparent with schemes to get in Draco's pants."
Rolling of eyes. "You're impossible, Harry. Now focus. The sooner we find a counter-spell the sooner we can shag like bunnies again."
"Speaking of bunnies, what the hell is little Draco Lucius wearing?"
"Oh, isn't that adorable? Blaise got it for me."
"Draco, your bunny rabbit is wearing a tiny little t-shirt that says 'Hairy Harry Potter Fan.'"
"I know. It's from the HPFC catalogue. They have a whole line of little clothes for pets. They're really very cute."
"For pets?" Blinks. "My life is so surreal sometimes."
"You know, it's a great catalogue, actually. I've ordered a bunch of stuff."
"Draco, you didn't."
"I did. I even got some stuff for my parents for Christmas. I can't wait to see if my dad likes his new pajamas."
"You ordered your father pajamas from the Harry Potter Fan Club catalogue? Wow, Malfoy. You have a death wish or something?"
"No, Granger, I don't. They just happened to be very nice pajamas. Finest Italian silk. They're Gryffindor red with little gold lightening bolts all over them. I got him the matching slippers too."
"I think I'm going to be sick."
"Oh, don't be such a drama queen, Potter. Now, focus. You may not believe me but I'm as anxious as you are to find a cure."
Several moments of silence as everyone looks through books again.
"You never answered me about the handcuffs idea."
"Harry, I'm going to say no to everything you come up with."
"But come on! This is practically fool-proof! You handcuff me to the bed, I can't move, can't use my hands, all I can do is thrash against my bonds while you do unspeakable things to my body."
A moment of silence, then -
"Damn it, Harry, no! It's just too risky."
Sighs. Then -
"Oooh, oh, brilliant idea here. This one will work. I can be your slaveboy. You'll be completely in charge. I'll obey your every command and you can order me to do anything you like."
A long moment of silence.
"You know, that is sort of tempting."
"I can grovel on my hands and knees, and jump to fulfill your every whim, and I'll call you master, and I'll even wear leather and a collar if you want."
"Well, maybe we could - wait a second! Harry James Potter, where the hell did you learn all this stuff?"
"Oh, um...you know...here and there."
"Harry Potter, you dirty little slut."
"But I can be your dirty little slut, Master Malfoy."
Shivers. "Wow...Master Malfoy. I really like how that sounds." Shakes head to clear mind of filthy thoughts. "Okay, none of that. We have work to do. Besides, I bet we're seriously freaking Granger out right now."
"Actually, I kind of like it."
"What? You think Ron and I haven't already played all those games?"
"Oh, so you guys are the only couple who's allowed to be kinky?"
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Herm, and that this conversation is just one big long bad dream."
A couple moments of silence.
"Actually, now that the initial shock has passed I think it's great that you and Weasley enjoy such a wild and varied sex life."
"Draco, don't encourage her. I can't handle it."
"I'm serious. Granger, I bet you're one kinky little kitten in the bedroom."
"Well, I'll just say that all that reading definitely comes in handy sometimes."
"Ew, ew, ew!" Covers ears with hands. "It's okay, Harry, it's okay. Just go to your happy place and don't think about Ron and Hermione...I'm in my happy place...I'm in my happy place..."
"I think you've seriously freaked out Potter, Granger."
"Yeah, well, at least he's not trying to get laid any more."
Everyone works in silence for several more minutes.
"Okay, Draco, this is my best idea yet. I'll let you put me under the Imperious curse."
Eyes wide. "The...the Imperious curse? Really?"
"Yes, really. Think about it, Draco. You can fufill every sordid little fantasy you've ever had, and I won't be able to stop you. I would be completely under your control."
Gulps. "Well, maybe if I have complete control, it wouldn't be so risky."
"Exactly. You'd control my every move, my every sound, my every desire -
"Oh, Harry, knock it off. You know the Imperious curse doesn't work on you."
"HARRY JAMES POTTER, you lied to me again?? I can't believe you!"
"Now look what you've done, Hermione! I almost had him!"
"Harry, I'm not just going to sit here and let you lie to Malfoy so you can shag him silly again."
"Hermione, I think you and me are going to have a long, serious discussion tonight about what being 'best friends' is really all about. Because trust me, friends are supposed to help friends get laid. It's a rule."
"No, it's not."
"YES, it is. Just ask Ron. He would have told Draco here that I was exceptionally vulnerable to the Imperious curse and that he should put it on me and shag me straight away."
"Harry Potter, you are truly despicable."
"Coming from you, Draco, that's a compliment."
"Yeah, well, you're in serious trouble."
"Don't get my hopes up, you rotten little tease."
"Look, aren't you afraid that maybe I might shag you silly in some of these scenarios?"
"No. You couldn't shag me silly if I were acting like your slave, handcuffed to the bed and under the Imperious curse. You're just not man enough."
"Oh you did not just say that."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I think I just did."
You're going down, Potter."
"Draco, I'd be more than happy to go down, but my prissy, frigid wimp of a boyfriend who couldn't schtupp a first-year Hufflepuff the slightest bit loopy keeps saying no."
"Why you little - you know what, I don't need handcuffs or the Imperious curse, you insufferable brat. All I need is this table right here. Get ready, Potter, because I'm going to shag your arse so senseless that you'll be -
"Honestly, Malfoy. I can't believe you're falling for this."
"Falling for what?"
"Hermione, shut up."
"Malfoy, Harry's just trying to get you to shag him by insulting your masculinity."
"I don't under - wait." Thinks for a second. "Ooooooh. I get it. Nice one, Potter. Wow, I can't believe I almost fell for that."
"You're dead to me, Hermione."
"Oh, don't be so melodramatic, Harry. Leave poor Draco alone."
"Okay, fine. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll just take my pretty arse and my universally acknowledged talents in the bedroom to someone more appreciative. Maybe Blaise or Seamus, you think?"
"Don't you dare even joke about that, Potter. You are mine."
"Rather possessive, aren't we?"
"Yes, we are. Now take that back."
"Hmmm...I don't know. Apparently I'm quite a hot commodity, and Blaise and Seamus have both been looking pretty good lately..."
"Are you looking to die, Potter?"
"No, I'm looking to shag you. Can I?"
"Well, then, I guess I have no choice but to offer myself to Blaise and Seamus. You know, I bet I could handle both of them at once."
"Why you -
"Oh, honestly. Draco, stop snarling. Harry, stop trying to make Draco jealous so he'll ravish you with hot sex to prove that you're his."
"Is that what you're doing, Potter? You little tramp."
"Damn it, Hermione! You are so going on my bad list."
"Harry, I thought you loved Draco. Surely you don't want to do anything that could cause him embarrassment, do you?"
"Yeah, Harry. I thought you loved me." Sniffs dramatically.
"Nice try, guys. That little speech might have worked a few days ago, but right now you are talking directly to my libido, and believe me, he's not listening to a single word you're saying."
Rolls eyes. "Look, Harry, just keep researching, okay? Malfoy, you too. We're going to find a cure, I promise."
"Fine. But know this, Draco: the moment we have a cure, I'm going to throw you down on the first flat surface I can find. I'm going to have you panting and moaning in pleasure. I'm going to rip the clothes from your body and map every inch with my tongue. I'll make you scream my name so loud the walls of the castle will shake, and then I'm going to moan and scream your name and beg you to do things to my body that should be illegal. Finally, I'm going to fuck you so well and so hard that you'll be clinging to the last shreds of your sanity and just when you think you can't possibly handle another second of bliss, I'm going to do it all over again."
A long pause. Big, wide eyes. A loosening of a tie, and a loud gulp. Then -
"Damn it, Granger, can't you go any faster???"
场景一：当Draco把Harry**傻的第二天，新闻头条又是他们俩（"Malfoy Heir Shags Boy Who Lived into Raving Diva. Lovely." ）。于是Draco又收到了一封吼叫信~不过这吼叫信嘛~~~（捂嘴偷笑）
"DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!!" Lucius Malfoy's amplified voice was again heard echoing through the Great Hall. "WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THE FRONT OF THE PAPER AGAIN??? I DISTINCTLY TOLD YOU THAT NEVER TO LET HARRY POTTER SHAG YOU SILLY AGAI...wait..."
Lucius Malfoy's voice suddenly dropped significantly in volume but did not stop talking.
"....what's that, Cissa? Draco was the one who shagged the Potter Boy silly this time?...he what?...a diva?...bloody hell, that is funny. What? Oh, right, right...the Howler."
Lucius' voice cleared its throat, then continued.
"WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER THEN, DRACO. WELL DONE, WELL DONE. ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU. YOU ARE A CREDIT TO THE MALFOY NAME. LIKE FATHER LIKE SON, EH? THOUGH I NEVER SHAGGED JAMES POTTER SILLY, MIND YOU, I JUST SHAGGED HIM TO THE...UH, I SHOOK HIM! NOT SHAGGED, SHOOK! THAT'S RIGHT. SHOOK HIM. BACK AND FORTH AND IN AND - MERLIN, I'VE GOT TO GO."
And with that, the Howler burst into flames.
"Oh Lucius, dear, stop trying to look so mean. You're scaring the children," Narcissa chided him gently. Lucius shot her a pained look.
"I'm a Malfoy, Narcissa. I'm supposed to scare children." He glared at a very small child as if to prove his point. The child "eeped" in fear and ran off to their parents. Narcissa sighed.
"It's so good to see you again, Mum," Draco said back earnestly, and then turned to his father. The two Malfoy men eyed each other.
"Dad," Draco said with a polite nod. "You're still looking good, I see."
"Son," Lucius said back, acknowledging the nod with a nod of his own. He looked past Draco to Harry Potter, who was looking very insecure and uncertain behind Draco. "You're still gay, I see."（嘴巴真刁啊哈哈）
Narcissa snapped her fingers. "Harry Potter! Of course! Now I know why that name sounds so familiar!"
Harry, Draco, and Lucius exchanged looks. "Um, because I'm the...um...Boy-Who-Lived?" Harry offered tentatively, and Narcissa shook her head.
"No, that's not it, sweetie. You have the same last name as Lucius's little friend at Hogwarts, that other Potter boy." She appeared to be completely obvious to the amazing shades of green that the faces of the men around her were turning. "You were awfully close to him, weren't you dear? After all, you spent so much time with him, always running off together after Quidditch games, playing around in empty classrooms and such. I can't believe I didn't remember this sooner. What was his name, darling? Jim? Josh? John?"
Draco shrugged, causing his shirt to ride up a tiny bit and another audible gulp to escape from Harry. "I don't know, Dad. Maybe it's because we're gay," the blonde finished pointedly.
"That is utter bollocks, Draco. Straight people like leather too. I remember when I was your age I had a pair of leather pants just like those, and every time I wore them I ended up completely shagged to the wall by James Pot - your mother."
There was an awkward moment of silence, and then -
"That's funny. I don't remember you having a pair of leather pants, Lucius dear," Narcissa said, looking slightly puzzled.
Harry, Draco, and Lucius very carefully avoided each other's eyes.
"So, the next order of 'business'" Rodolphus Lestrange was saying, making exaggerated quotation marks with his fingers and getting a few chuckles out of the other Death Eaters, "is whether the Dark Lord would prefer dark or milk chocolate at our next gathering. Now I, personally, am in favor of dark chocolate, because hello, he's the Dark Lord, but Avery here says that - "
Harry was lounging against the door frame out in the hall, waiting for Draco to come back from his newest scheme to drive his dad nutters, when he heard a sinister voice behind him.
"Harry Potter, at last! I've finally got you all alone! I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for so long! Muahahaha!"
Alarmed, Harry whirled around, and came face to face with MacNair.
"You're mine now, Potter," MacNair cackled, reaching into his pocket. "And I've got something for you."
Fearing for his life, Harry quickly reached into his own pocket and whipped out his wand, pointing it straight at MacNair -
Who was holding out a copy of Wicked Witch Weekly.（注：巫师界一本有名的黄色杂志）
"No need to resort to wands," MacNair said, sounding slightly sulky. "I was just going to ask you for your autograph."
Harry blinked at him.
"My what?" he finally said.
"Your autograph. For uh...my wife. Yeah, that's it. My wife. I'm...I mean, she's a big fan."（别装啦！只有Harry才不知道是你自己想要吧hhh~~~）
"That little brat," Harry thought to himself as he flipped through the book. "I can't believe him. He is not going to get away with this."
Harry quickly flipped over Hermione's letter and began to write a response.
You won't believe this, but...
Harry continued to mutter under his breath. "I can't believe that prat. I can't believe that he stole that book and he didn't tell me and he's been secretly using it all week to give me the most incredible, unbelievable, mind-blowing sex I've ever had, over and over and...
...I love him so much."
You won't believe this, but you're wrong about Draco. He didn't steal your book, and we don't have it here. Maybe you left it at Hogwarts?
Have a great holiday, say hi to Ron for me. Happy Christmas!
"Well, we knew you kids wouldn't want to listen to us old people, so you'll be having tea here in the conservatory while Mrs. Parkinson and I chat in the tea room," Lucius said with his same dashing smile. "Doesn't that sound lovely to everyone?"
Both Draco and Pansy protested immediately.
"Dad, are you mad? I don't want - "
"Mum, how could you think that - "
"Well, glad we're all agreeable. You two enjoy yourselves! Cheerio!" Lucius finished, and he and Violet Parkinson made a hasty exit towards the door.
"Bye kids! Enjoy your privacy," Violet said with a wink, as she and Lucius disappeared.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Pansy muttered.
"I hate my life," Draco sighed back.
There was a moment of irritated silence.
Pansy finally cleared her throat. "So...is your mum here?" she asked hopefully.
Draco smiled and they started kissing again. Lucius stood still and watched them for a moment, the strangest feeling bubbling up inside him. It felt...warm and fuzzy and sweet, kind of like how he felt when he looked at Draco's little bunny rabbit.
Draco and Harry looked...really, truly happy together. Like they were in love. And then Lucius thought about how he was about to betray Draco and bind him for eternity to the girl who was currently flirting shamelessly with his wife, and for just a second, he felt guilty.
But Draco was a Malfoy, and Malfoys had certain duties, and marrying the right sort of person and producing the right kind of heir was one of them. He had no choice. He was doing the right thing. He was.
"So, what brings you here tonight?" Lucius said with a forced smile as Voldemort set his bag down on a coffee table to sip at his tea.
"Just thought I'd drop in and see if you'd given any more thought to letting me have Harry Potter."
Lucius sighed. "My Lord, believe me, if I could, I'd gift-wrap the little bastard for you. But everyone knows he's here, and they'll send me straight back to Azkaban if anything happens to him."
Voldemort looked disappointed. "You're sure I can't just - "
"Maybe if I - "
"But what about - "
"Oh, very well." The Dark Lord appeared to be sulking.
"So I shagged your son again this morning."
Lucius spit out his brandy all over the table.
"POTTER!" He managed to choke out. Harry grinned evilly.
"It was amazing. I tied him to his own headboard and buggered him absolutely rotten. And wow, can that minx make a racket."
Lucius gave Harry his most terrifying Malfoy Death Glare. "I happen to be very happy pretending you and Draco have a completely platonic relationship, thank you very much, so if it wouldn't be too much of a bother would you please keep quiet?"
"I couldn't possibly keep quiet about something that was so good. I hope you realize that I'm absolutely mad about your son. I've got a thing for blondes, you know," Harry finished with a wink.
"Will you behave yourself?" Lucius snapped.
Harry shrugged. "Don't see why I should, really."
"Because, in case you've somehow forgotten, I am your current guardian! I could punish you if I wanted to."
"Maybe I want you to punish me. Sounds kind of sexy, actually."
"You're walking on thin ice here, young man."
"Ooo, authoritative. I like that. Are you authoritative in the bedroom too?"
"Potter, if you don't shut up," Lucius said irritably, "I'm going to ground you again."
"Oh no," Harry said melodramatically, putting a hand on his chest. "Not grounded. I suppose now I'll have nothing else to do but shag your son over and over and o - "
"Point taken. Perhaps it would wipe that insolent smirk off your face if I turned you over my knee. What would you say to that?"
"I'd say, "oh yeah Daddy, give it to me, I like it rough you naughty rabbit."
"I meant it as a punishment, not as something sexual, you imbecilic child!"
"Oh it's all sexual if it comes from you, cowboy. Come on and punish me, Lucius. I've been a bad little boy."
"You better watch it, Potter, or you'll find yourself chained in the dungeons."
"Oh, you're into bondage, are you? I see where Draco gets it from."
"Listen, you arrogant little brat, if you don't shut your mouth then I'm going to gag you!"
"Kinky, Lucius. Very kinky."
Four games of Exploding Snap, three shots of vodka, two hours and one very irritated Lucius later, they were allowed to leave. Amazingly, Harry was still alive, although he had been threatened with some amazingly creative threats that left him half afraid of ever being captured by Death Eaters and half understanding what his dad might have seen in Lucius.
（LIKE FATHER LIKE SON，有其父必有其子~细思后，Harry和Lucius也很，，，hhh尤其Lucius对凌乱的黑发情有独钟~）
After the shot, Draco spotted his dad just at the edge of the crowd. He made his way over, and then stopped short. That was funny. For a second, it looked like Lucius had been petting DLM. Draco shook his head. Must have been a trick of the light.
"Hey Dad," he said, taking the rabbit from Lucius's arms. "Where'd Harry go?"
Lucius opened his mouth to say "No idea." At least, that's what he meant to say.
"Draco, really, you shouldn't have flirted like that in front of him. I think he was jealous."
Draco looked surprised, and Lucius could have kicked himself. "What the hell did you say that for?" he asked himself. "Don't try to help your son patch things up with Potter! You're trying to break them up!“
"Jealous? Bollocks, I wasn't even thinking. I bet he did get jealous, I know I would have if Harry'd been flirting with models. I'd better go find him," Draco said, looking a bit contrite. He handed DLM back to his dad. "Here, put DLM （那只软萌可爱的兔子）in my room, would you? Cheers."
Draco left, and Lucius sighed. Now his son and Potter would make up, and probably run off and shag for a bit. Bollocks. Oh well. On the bright side, he got to hold DLM for a bit longer.
But you didn't hear him say that.（卢爹真的好softie啊传说中的刀子嘴豆腐心嗯嗯~）
The tall, muscled man with long red hair tied back into a ponytail, dragonhide boots and a fang earring left the throngs of dancing people and made his way over to his mother.
"Hi Mum," he said casually, "Who did you want me to meet?"
Molly turned to Narcissa, whose eyes had just gone very wide. "Narcissa, this is my oldest son, Bill. Bill, this is Mrs. Malfoy."
Narcissa and Bill locked eyes, and the world seemed to stop for a moment.
Finally, Narcissa shook her head. "Bill, you say?" she said to Molly, sounding a little breathless.
"Yes," said Molly, sounding proud. "He's 25."
"Really," said Narcissa, her eyes going right back to Bill. "What a lovely age."
"Thank you," said Bill, graciously. "I assume it's the same as your own?" He seemed unable to look anywhere but Narcissa.
Narcissa smiled at Bill, and her smile fell just a little shy of the "innocent" category.
"Well aren't you precious," she said, extending her hand. "Narcissa Malfoy, but please, feel free to call me Narcissa."
"Bill Weasley," Bill said suavely, taking Narcissa's hand and kissing it. "But please, feel free to call me anything you want."
"Well, you two seem to have hit it off just fine," Molly said, completely missing the fact that Narcissa Malfoy was staring at her oldest son like a starved person at a feast and that Bill was returning the look. "Now, shall we go dance a bit more?"
"You go ahead, Molly," Narcissa said pleasantly. "I was going to offer to give Bill here a tour of the Manor."
"What a generous offer," Bill said, offering his arm. "I'd love to see your home."
"Right this way, then," Narcissa said, taking Bill's arm and guiding him out of the parlour. "I want to show you how lovely and spacious the bedrooms are," Narcissa's voice said, fading away.
Molly watched them go with a smile. Wasn't it a wonderful world, when the Malfoys and the Weasleys could put aside their differences to be friends?
"Oliver, what happened to you?" Charlie asked, as he reached out and helped Oliver to his feet.
"That stupid sod, more commonly known as the Savior of the Wizarding World, decided to rearrange my face for talking to Draco," Oliver said, glaring at Harry from his one good eye.
Harry flexed his fist menacingly in return. "That's right, Wood. Next time, go talk to someone else's boyfriend."
"Oh, Harry, you're still so cute when you're angry," Charlie said fondly. Harry dropped his fist and crossed his arms.
"No I'm fucking not," he muttered sulkily.
"Oh, and now you're pouting," Charlie said with a grin. "Honestly, I could never understand why anyone was afraid of you. You're just so adorable I could eat you."
"Charlie, shut up," Harry grumbled, but Draco was pissed.
He cleared his throat loudly. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm standing right here, you dragon-dung smellingARSEHOLE. And what do I have to do to make it clear to you that Harry is MINE now?"
"He's another one who's cute when he's angry," Oliver whispered conspiratorially to Charlie.
"I fucking heard that," Draco snarled, but Charlie and Oliver had stopped paying attention to Harry and Draco.
"Look at you," Charlie said, reaching out and touching Oliver's eye tentatively. "Harry's got a nasty right hook, by the looks of things. Are you in a lot of pain?"
Oliver made a rather large show of wincing, and then said, "Oh, not too bad."
Charlie smiled. "I bet that hurts like a bitch. Come on, let's get you cleaned up. I know lots of healing spells that'll fix that eye in no time." He offered his arm to Oliver in a very gentlemanly manor.
"Oh you do?" said Oliver, taking Charlie's arm. "Must be because you have such a dangerous job."
Charlie shrugged modesty. "Oh you know. A few risks here and there."
"Well, I'd love to hear about it," Oliver said, as he and Charlie started to walk away. "Maybe over dinner?"
"Dinner would be lovely. Are you free tomorrow?"
Lucius snapped his head up to glare at Snape. "Now wait just a minute, I resent - "
And here Lucius froze.
"Severus...your...your hair...it...it's so..."
Snape's hair was, indeed, quite different. Not longer its normal, greasy, oily, stringy mess, but a shining mane of jet-black raven tresses that cascaded to his shoulders and shone like new galleon. Lucius was floored.
"Nice, isn't it? MacNair spent the last hour giving me a makeover. Special attention to my hair. He's really got a gift, you know." And here Severus gave a slight shake of his head, sending his hair swishing around his face.
Lucius gulped audibly.
The hand of the clock moved another tick.
The time was now 11:59.
Lucius screwed shut his eyes and tried to focus. He had to say the spell in one minute. He had to. Must focus...must focus...
"I've wanted you for so long now," Snape was saying huskily, taking a couple slow, measured steps toward Lucius. "I've been dreaming of you...your hair...your eyes...."
45 seconds left until midnight...
Lucius clenched his fists and aimed his wand. Must resist...must focus...cannot...give in...to Severus...
30 seconds left...
"I think someone's been a naughty boy," Snape drawled, stepping even closer. "Do I need to give you a detention?"
Oh Merlin. Not detention. Come on, focus, Lucius, FOCUS...
Lucius risked a quick glance at Snape. Out of nowhere a wind blew through Draco's room, sending Snape's shiny black hair billowing around his face.
Lucius swallowed hard.
"Come on, Lucky," Snape whispered, so close now that Lucius could almost feel Snape's warm breath against his neck. "Come to Daddy..."
Snape was right behind him now. "Just give in, Lucius," Snape breathed into the blonde's ear. "We'll have wild, crazy, kinky-monkey sex that'll put everything your son and Potter ever did to shame."
"Oh sod it all," Lucius finally snapped, throwing down his wand. "Draco's a leather-wearing, man-bag carrying, Madonna-loving, bunny-owning, Potter-shagging homosexual - just like his Daddy."
And with that he turned around and launched himself at Snape, wrapping his arms around Snape's neck and his legs around Snape's waist.
"TAKE ME, SEVERUS!"
（我真的搞不清Lucius和James Potter和Severus Snape的关系啦！ 但是据我猜测，既然Lucius是级长，Lucius和James是在学生时代**的，嗯，而James和Severus是众所周知地闹矛盾，所以原来Severus真的是嫉妒James而不是暗恋James？然而可能是三人组？不。。。噢下文有解释）
Lucius Malfoy came sliding down the railing of the West Wing staircase, wearing chaps and a cowboy hat. He jumped off the railing, landed with the grace of a cat, and turned to run, when he noticed his sizable audience gaping at him.
"Morning, all," he said pleasantly. "I trust we had a pleasant evening?"
Nobody answered as they continued to stare at Lucius in amazement. One, he was dressed as a cowboy. Two, he was acting pleasant. Something was very very wrong here. What on earth could have -
Severus Snape had appeared at the top of the west wing staircase.
"Oops, gotta run," Lucius said with a smile. "You'll all stay for tea, I hope?"
And with that he dashed off in the direction of his study.
Everyone watched, open-mouthed, as he ran off, and then turned to see Snape running down the stairs, a fashion magazine （前面说的著名的Hermione**行为笔记，被Draco伪装成杂志，被卢爹偷偷发现）clutched in one hand. He was waving it over his head as he ran.
"You better run Lucius Malfoy, my feisty golden snitch," Snape called out, "because when I catch you we're going to try page 47. This particular position was only known during the days of Algernon the Amorous, and it's supposed to give you the most incredible, mind-blowing...mind...er....ah....hmm..."
Snape, reaching the bottom of the stairs, had suddenly discovered his audience.
Snape seemed at a loss for a moment. Finally, with the most admirable of composures, he drew himself up and said with his most formal of Potion Master voices:
"Would any of you happen to have seen which way Master Malfoy went?"
Wordlessly, every hand in the main hall pointed in the direction of Lucius's study.
"Excellent," Snape said, and then took off down the hall.
Everyone in the hall remained completely frozen. Finally, after an age, Draco turned to Harry.
"Harry...was that my dad?"
Horrified does not begin to do justice to Draco's expression.
With a bit of a noticeable wince, Harry slowly nodded.
"And then...was that...Professor Snape?" Draco asked again, his face drained of all color.
Again, Harry nodded.
"And then did they...did they...please tell me they didn't..."
"Sorry, Draco," Harry said sympathetically. "I think they did." He paused, and then offered Draco a weak smile. "More than once."
And then Harry had to move very, very quickly to catch Draco before he fainted.
Harry had just led Draco through the main hall to the door to the parlour when said parlour door swung open, and Bill and Narcissa walked out.
Hand in hand.
And mouth to mouth.
Harry and Draco's jaws both dropped.
They watched, Harry in disbelief and Draco in horror as Bill and Narcissa kissed like the world was about to end. Harry was wondering if they were ever going to stop when a loud noise from Draco caused them to break apart.
"MUM!" he shrieked. "What are you doing?"
Ron and Harry looked. Lucius was feeding Snape from his own plate and Bill was nibbling on Narcissa's neck.
Ron shrugged. "That's not so bad. Besides, you haven't even realized the most brilliant part of all this."
"Oh yeah? And what, pray tell, is that?" Draco asked snidely.
Ron smirked evilly. "If your mum and dad break up, and then your mum marries my brother Bill, you'll have to call me Uncle Ron."
There was stunned silence for a moment, then -
The little house elf appeared with a pop.
"Calling for me, Master Draco is?"
"Scotch. Bring me scotch. And a lot of it. I'm getting bloody pissed."
Lucius and Snape ignored him（指Harry）.
"Yes, I know he is. I have him in class. Arrogant chit. Just like his father. Mind you, there is something rather...alluring about that Potter arrogance, don't you think?"
Harry gasped. "WHAT did you just say?"
"Oh yes. I'd get so mad at James for flirting with the girls, and he'd just be all, "Whatever, Lucius, you know you want me." And damn if the bastard wasn't right."
"Yes, well, who didn't want him? Honestly, the man was a complete arse and yet I couldn't get enough of him."
Harry looked absolutely horrified. "Professor...Professor did you just say..."
Lucius raised an eyebrow. "So you and James..."
"What? Oh no, no. Just a lot of unresolved sexual tension, you know? Mind you, I might have gone for it if - "
"STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN STOP TALKING ABOUT MY DAD!!! YOU TWO ARE SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT!!"
（噢噢噢这里我好像搞明白Lucius三人组的关系啦！原来James当年是像如今的Harry一样的Sex God 一样的存在啊~）
“ look, it's only fifteen minutes to midnight! Where's Severus? I'm going to start my New Year's Eve kiss early!"
And with that Lucius sauntered off. Draco looked at Harry in horror.
"It wasn't a dream."
Harry, and Hermione gave Draco pitying looks.
Ron only grinned at him. "Do you have a kiss for your Uncle Ron?"（Ron你真的要一直补刀吗哈哈哈）
Draco's eyes darted back and forth between his mother and Bill, and his father and Snape. His mother and Bill...his father and Snape...his mother and Bill...Uncle Ron...
Draco turned to Harry with desperation in his eyes.
"Fuck me, Harry."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Fuck. Me. Harry," Draco said, enunciating every syllable. "Fuck me into next week. Fuck me into the floor. I want you to fuck me so hard and so well that I won't remember one single thing that happened tonight beyond the fact that I got incredibly and thoroughly shagged. Got it?"
Harry, whose eyes had glazed over completely during Draco's little speech, could only gape at him.
"Oh yes, Harry, what a great idea. You should shag him," Hermione agreed, a little too fervently. "It will really help him forget."（哦哦哦~腹黑的女神来啦hhh）
"But...but are you sure?" Harry said, a little worried about Draco's current state of mind.
Hermione nodded fervently. "Oh yes. It would really help him. In fact, you should shag him like you did that time you shagged him silly."
"YES," Draco said, pointing at Hermione. "YES. Shag me like that. Exactly like that. I want you to shag my brains out."
Harry hesitated. "I don't know...are you sure you're not still drunk?"
"Oh, he's not drunk at all," Hermione said quickly. "Go on Harry. Shag him rotten. Give him a good seeing to."
"But all these people..." Harry said, glancing around at the enormous crowd of friends, family, reporters, "business partners," and more, all waiting to celebrate the New Year. Draco leaned in close.
That did it.
"You wish," Harry replied, standing up and hauling Draco to his feet. "Let's go, Blondie. You're about to get shagged out of your bloody mind."
Hermione watched them start to walk away with a satisfied smile that made Ron raise an eyebrow.
"Why so smug?" he asked his girlfriend in a whisper.
"Because," she whispered back. "Remember how I told you I found out that the shagged silly potion would wear off after two lunar cycles?"
Hermione smiled evilly. "The second lunar cycle ended approximately two hours and fifteen minutes ago."（不要小瞧女神的报复哟吼吼吼~）
Ron gaped at her.
"Hermione!" he said, aghast. "That means Harry could shag Draco silly again! And after the little talk you two gave him he probably bloody will right now."
"I know." Hermione cackled wickedly. Ron looked at her sternly.
"You can't let them do that."
"But they stole my BOOK."
Ron's mouth dropped open. "They stole your book? Your little black book? The one that we use?"
Ron whirled around and called out, "Hey Harry, Malfoy!"
Harry and Draco were halfway out the door by this point, but they paused and turned to hear what Ron had to say.
"What's up, Ron?"
Ron smiled at them. "Why go all the way to Malfoy's room to shag? That's much too far. Just use the room right next door."（天哪Ron也转腹黑。。。哈哈哈我不行了）
"You mean the one just a few feet away from this very crowded room? With all the couches? The one that doesn't lock properly?"
"That's the one."
Harry and Draco exchanged glances, then Draco shrugged.
"It is much closer. Let's go."
Harry's best friends watched as Harry and Draco left, and then Hermione turned and smirked at Ron. "You're wicked."
Ron smirked back. "No, you are."
The latest fashion magazine was sitting on a side table next to the big leather couch.
"Well, how do you like that?" Lord Voldemort said, walking over and picking up the magazine. "I've been dying to see what they're doing with dress robes for the mid-winter season. I'm sure Lucius won't mind if I borrow this. I imagine it'll be very useful."
And with that he stuck the fashion magazine in his man-bag and Apparated away.